LAST WEEK
26th February 2005 Ruislip
THE GONZO
ARCHIVES
2004 IN FOCUS
GEOFF WINS THE GONZO
Tony and Dave choose the right chemicals for matchplay successs, whilst Gavin and Con go on the skids.
MATCHPLAY
LOW SCORE
Mike
37
37
37
32
28
171
Tom
36
36
36
32
30
170
Geoff
38
35
32
32
31
168
Gavin
36
36
35
31
30
168
Alan
38
36
31
31
30
166
Tony
36
33
34
32
30
165
Dave
32
32
30
27
25
146
Con
33
32
26
24
115
MATCHPLAY ROUND ONE
T M A Gv G Ty D C
Tom
*
0
0
0
2
Mike
*
1
0
0
Alan
1
*
0
0
1
Gavin
2
2
*
0
2
Geoff
2
2
*
2
0
2
Tony
2
2
0
*
0
Dave
0
2
1
0
2
*
1
Con
2
0
2
1
*
6
5
6
2
2
4
6
3
"GEOFF GAVE A BIG SMILE.... THE ACID WAS BEGINNING TO TAKE HOLD.
But something was not right. Maybe if they'd spotted the cactus they may have realized that they were no longer on the the road to Ruislip."
The spirit of the great Hunter S Thompson lived on at Ruislip on Saturday morning, as the Baxter boys set off in pursuit of the Gonzo. After a careful re-reading of the dense text of his masterpiece 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' it was decided that each participant would attack the course fuelled up by their drug of choice. Mike went for the salt cellar of Cocaine, which overloaded his system forcing an early double-blob opening. Realizing that this was not going to work, he cleverly switched to a mild dose of Prozac, which produced an amazing calming effect, immediately resulting in a superb birdie and a steady twelve hole stretch covered in 28 points. Inevitably, the flashbacks started and he only picked up four more points over the next two holes resulting in a third place finish and four blobs.
Dave used his two bags of grass wisely, in his match with Gavin who foolishly thought that 4 tabs of high grade blotter acid would result in golfing success. After a shaky first, Dave looked serene as he played steady bogey golf. The only hitch, was when he was urged on by the following golfers who had been waiting impatiently as he rolled up in a bunker on the fourth. This unsettled him, resulting in a nasty blob and a chase around the green, as the wind scooped up his first bag. He soon settled with a par on five, but then another blob as he realized his next spiff contained grass of the fairway variety. He soon put things to rights and stuck to bogie average until a huge blob on the seventeenth, where he found that he'd run out of Rizzlas. Gavin's round was going well and, like Dave, managed a 30 point total. Unfortunately he lost out badly in the match, being unable to produce the goods when it mattered. Matters were made worse, each time the parrots swooped overhead. One, minute he'd be concentrating on his approach to the green and the next he'd be waving his clubs madly screaming "The bats are coming to get me." He finally calmed down and covered the five last holes in a quiet yet paranoid ten points.
The other match set Tony's one dozen Purple Hearts and a couple of Vallium against Con's quart of Irish Malt Whiskey. A bad blob on the first proved to Tony that he'd overdosed, so he smartly took a balancing dose of Vallium which enabled him to match Con admirably. As usual, Con staggered through the first few holes, still weary from his tireless schedule of back-slapping and palm-greasing, but a few stiffeners gave him enough resolve to hold on to Tony through the first half. By this time, the boytle was looking well on the way to being drained. As he weaved his way through the course he knew that he was up against it. His weary cries of "Ressure? I peat ressure!" were fooling nobody and by the sixteenth, it was all over. Putting from off the green with a tricky downhill approach, Tony stood for a moment. Taking one last look, he knew what he had to do . Yes! One more Vallium! He stood for a few more moments and watched the ball as it trickled into the hole. The peace of the golf course was broken only by Mike's cry of "You Tosser!" Knowing that Tony had beaten him by one point, he was carried screaming back to the bar.
In the end it was Geoff's steady intake of Prozac that won the day. Blobless golf, with the one-pointers exactly balanced by the two pointers lead to a 35 total and to within three points of the Championship. Of course there were one or two anxious moments, particularly when he kept wandering into the bunkers. At one time, his playing partners thought that they had lost him. They finally spotted him sitting in a bunker staring intently at a scale model of a Ferrari that he'd constructed out of sand. It was decided that although the ball was now completely burried, it had not been moved and that he could play it as it was. Drilling his wedge expertly through the Ferrari's doors he landed the ball within five feet of the cup, sobbing "Michael will never forgive me!"
Of course the game was scored using the unique 'Baxter Surreal Scoring System' which resulted in an amazing battle for second place. Interestingly the result would have been the same, had the more conventional Stableford system been in place.
Next week ..... The Monthly Medal.
Hole Geoff Mike Dave Con Tony Gavin
1
4*
7
6
7
9
7
2
8
9
6
8
7
8
3
4*
3**
5
5
4*
5
4
6
6
7
5
6
10
5
4
4
3*
4
5
4
6
5
5
8
7
6
6
7
3*
4
4
3*
5
4
8
5
5
4*
6
4*
4*
9
5
4*
5
5
5
7
10
7
6
6
7
6
5*
11
5
3*
4
3*
6
4
12
6
5
5
7
7
7
13
5
5
5
5
4*
7
14
4
4
4
4
5
5
15
7
9
7
7
6
7
16
5
4
4
6
6
4
17
6
7
8
5
6
6
18
4
4
4
5
3*
4
in
49
47
47
49
49
49
out
44
47
48
50
51
55
total
93
94
95
99
100
104
net
69
75
77
81
74
77
points
36
32
30
24
33
30
Hole
 Geoff Tony Mike Dave Gavin Con
1
12
2
5
9
9
5
2
19
13
7
20
16
9
3
26
24
18
23
23
12
4
35
33
27
27
25
21
5
42
35
34
39
32
28
6
54
43
42
41
40
32
7
65
45
48
47
46
43
8
70
55
53
57
56
45
9
77
62
65
64
58
52
10
80
70
73
72
70
55
11
86
72
84
78
76
66
12
96
77
94
88
81
68
13
103
89
101
95
83
75
14
115
95
107
101
89
81
15
122
107
109
108
96
88
16
128
113
120
119
112
90
17
134
123
124
121
122
100
18
141
135
131
128
129
102
Birdies
0
0
1
0
0
0
Pars
2
4
3
2
2
2
Bogies
10
7
13
13
8
9
Blobs
0
2
4
3
3
5
Games
8
6
8
7
6
4